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READ OTHERS WRITINGS OR 
TOILET BRUSH
Bubba and Earl, two hillbillies from West Virginia,
were in a local bar enjoying a beer when they decided
to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Earl won 1st prize, year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra
long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the
neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he
liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!"
Earl asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush
working out?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba.
"I reckon I'm going back to paper."
BREAKFAST
At brakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.
After several minutes with no reaction, I asked,
"If I baked these commericially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"
Without looking up from his newspaper, he replied, "About 10 years."
WHAT ROOM AM I IN?
A businessman had a tiring day on the road.
He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon,
left his luggage in the checkroom and went immediately to eat.
After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage, and realized that he had forgotten his room number.
He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty,
"My name is W.A. Rolke. Could you please tell me what room I am in?"
"Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."
AYE
Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains, who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!",
and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.
A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"
The mate looked surprised, and replied,
"You mean that you've never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"
BLONDE JOKES
How did the blond explain how his helicopter crashed?
He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan.
Why did the blond quit his job as a restroom attendant?
He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer.
What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
Double-dumb.
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?
The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.
Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones.
One is
sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers.
Which one is married?
The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!
What's the advantage of being married to a blond?
You can park in handicapped zones.
What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
She slipped off and fell down the drain.
How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
It is the one with the kickstand.
What do you call an all-blond skydiving team?
A new version of the Lawn Darts game.
Where do you look for blonds' obituaries?
Under "Home Improvements."
Why did the blond take his new scarf back to the store?
It was too tight.
Why did it take the blond a whole week to wash three basement windows?
It took him six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.
Did you hear about the blond who gave his cat a bath?
He still hasn't gotten all the hair off his tongue.
How does a psychic refer to a blonde?
Light reading.
Did you hear about the blond who thought he discovered that
he had a twin brother?
He didn't realize he was looking in a mirror.
There were two blondes walking down the street and they spotted a compact.
They rushed over to see who it belonged to so they could return it.
The
first one opens it and says, "This person looks familiar"
The second one
says, "Let me see." She looks at her friend and says,
"Silly, that's me!"
Did you hear about the blond who never learned to waterski?
He couldn't find a lake with a slope.
What do you call a blond in a leather jacket?
A rebel without a clue!
Why did the blond only smell good on the right side?
He didn't know where to buy Left Guard!
Why couldn't the blond bob for apples?
His sister was using the toilet.
A blond is going to London on a plane; how can you steal his
window seat?
Tell him all seats going to London are in the middle row.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
Me: Hey, Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?
Donna: I dunno. How?
Me: Tell her the same dumb blonde joke twice in a row.
Me: Hey Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?
Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.
What did the blond do when he noticed that someone had already
written on the overhead transparency?
He turned it over and used the other side.
Did you hear about the blond who just bought an A.M. radio?
It took him two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.
Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see 20,000
leagues under the sea?
She said that he loved baseball, and was surprised that there
were so many teams.
Why did the blond stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed?
He wanted to see what he looked like asleep.
How many blonds does it take to make a circuit?
Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass him the
blow dryer!
Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.
What does a postcard from a blond's vacation say?
Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
Why do blonds have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes go in first.
Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
Why did the blond scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
Why did the blond tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
How does a blond hemophiliac treat himself?
Acupuncture.
Why did the blond get so excited after he finished the jigsaw
puzzle in only six months?
Because on the box, it said "From 2-4 years."
Did you hear about the blond who shot an arrow into the air?
He missed.
What's the difference between a blonde and a tree?
The tree knows when it's being cut down.
Why are most blonde jokes one-liners?
So men will understand them.
What did the blonde do with her arsehole in the morning?
Packed his lunch and sent him to work.
How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering
what she did with her pencil.
Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal at the
Olympics?
She had it bronzed.
What's a blonde's favorite color?
A light shade of clear.
What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Did you hear about the blond prisoner who was found in his cell
with half a dozen bumps on his head?
He tried to hang himself with a bungee cord.
Hear about the blond explorer?
He bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.
How did the blond moonwalk?
He got naked from the waist down and slid his butt along the floor.
Did you hear about the blond who thought nitrates were cheaper than
day rates?
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"you know
what?" says the 6 year old.
"I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast,
I'm gonna say something with 'hell'
and you say something with 'ass'.
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair,
tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up,
and runs upstairs crying his eyes out,
with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can
just stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers,
"but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios."
THE RUDE PARROT
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a
good example. Nothing worked.
Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird yelled
back. John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder. Finally, in
a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the refrigerator freezer.
For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream... then
suddenly there was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute. Fearing that he'd
hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot
calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may
have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I
will do everything to correct my poor behavior."
John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask
the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her
husband was not in their
bed.
She puts on her robe and downstairs to look for
him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a
cup of coffee In front of
him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the
wall. She watches as he
wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter,
dear?"
she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why
are you down here at
this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago
when we were dating, and
you were only 16?"
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking
that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The
words are not coming
easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us
in the back seat of my
car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" says the wife,
lowering herself
into a chair beside him.
The husband continues...
"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face
and said,
Either you
marry my daughter,
or I will send you to jail for 20
years?'"
"I remember
that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I
would have gotten out
today."
JACK'S TELEPHONE NUMBER...
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Blond Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.
Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
KIDS
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow
a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was
very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him. "
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy
Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her
brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,
"Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown
up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael,
He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
"And there's the
teacher, She's dead. "
Something to SMILE for you all!!!(during the week)
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying
to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my
head, the blood, as you know, would run into it,
and I would turn red
in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of
apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only
ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table
was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want.
God is watching the
apples.
Proud
"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady.
"What's to be proud of?" asked the old man.
The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've
learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."
"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth?"
The Will
When her late husband's will was read, a widow learned he had left the bulk of his fortune to another woman.
Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription on her spouse's tombstone.
"Sorry, lady," said the stonecutter. "I inscribed 'Rest in Peace' on your orders. I can't change it now."
"Very well," she said grimly. "Just add, 'Until We Meet Again.' "
Protection
A female truck driver decided to buy herself a big dog for protection
while she was on the road. She went to the local animal shelter and
asked about one particularly large and fierce looking dog and the
attendant told her, "He doesn't like men."
Perfect, she thought, and so she bought him. Later that week, she was
in a dark parking lot and two big, rough looking men started walking
toward her. Sure enough, as the attendant at the animal shelter had
told her, the dog didn't like men. He promptly ran and cowered under
the nearest car.
DRUG PROBLEM
I had a "drug" problem when I was a young person and teenager.
I was "drug" to church on Sunday morning.
I was "drug" to church on Sunday night.
I was "drug" to church on Wednesday night.
I was "drug" to Sunday School every week.
I was "drug" to Vacation Bible School.
I was "drug" to the family altar to read the bible and pray.
I was also "drug" to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents.
Those "drugs" are still in my veins; and they affect my
behavior in every thing I do, say, and think.
They are stronger than cocaine,
crack or heroin and if our children had this kind of "drug" problem,
the world would certainly be a better place.
Unknown
Lemonade stand
As a kid, I used to have a lemonade stand.
The sign said, "All you can drink for a dime".
So, some kid would come up,
plunk down his dime, drink a glass, and say,
"Refill it."
I'd say, "That'll be another dime."
"How come? Your sign says 'All you can drink for a dime'!"
"Well, you had a glass, didn't you?"
"Yeah."
"That's all you can drink for a dime."
OLIVE OIL
Trying to control my dry hair,
I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it.
Worried that the oil might leave an odor,
I washed my hair several times.
That night when I went to bed,
I leaned over to my husband, and asked,
"Do I smell like olive oil?"
"No," he said, sniffing me, then replied,
"Do I smell like Popeye?"
JUST NUTS
From a passenger ship, one can see a bearded man on a small island
who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."
SAYINGS.....
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
- Old garage men never die, they just retire.
- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
- Old investors never die, they just roll over.
- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
- Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
- Old skate boarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
- Old steel makers never die, they just lose their temper.
- Old students never die, they just get degraded.
- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
- Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.
- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
Something to thing abuot...
There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
When it rains, who don't sheep shrink?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half lives?
If you shoot a mime, do you need a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?
What is the speed of dark?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
What's another word for synonym?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a chapter 11?
How can there be self-help groups?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Why are there interstate highways is Hawaii?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Where are preparations A through G?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there staring at the carpet?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? Or maybe I'll just have a bunch of purples.
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to
give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge
will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit
and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Definition of Bravery:
True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom,
and still having the guts to ask - Are you cleaning,
or were you flying somewhere?
He was just a little boy on the week's first day.
He was wandering home from Sunday School, and dawdling on the way.
He scuffed his shoes into the grass; he found a caterpillar.
He found a fluffy milkweed pod, and blew out all the "filler."
A bird's nest in a tree overhead, so wisely placed on high.
Was just another wonder that caught his eager eye.
A neighbor watched his zig zag course, and hailed him from the lawn;
Asked him where he'd been that day and what was going on.
"I've been to Bible School," he said and turned a piece of sod.
He picked up a wiggly worm replying, "I've learned a lot of God."
"M'm very fine way," the neighbor said, "for a boy to spend his time."
"If you'll tell me where God is, I'll give you a brand new dime."
Quick as a flash the answer came! Nor was his accents faint.
"I'll give you a dollar, Mister, if you can tell me where God ain't."
Elevator ride
There was once a man who lived on the twentieth floor of a tall building.
Every day he would get on the elevator and ride to the ground floor to go to work.
When he returned he would ride up to the fifth floor, get off,
and walk up fifteen flights to the twentieth floor.
Why would he do this?
Oh, yes, the answer to the man and the elevator.
So he always punches the fifth floor button and walks the rest of the way up.
You see the guy was a midget and the five button was as high as he could reach.
This is really important that you all know this now so read up !
Fashion Tips For Older Folks
Many of us "older folks" are quite confused about how we should
present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are
projecting as we try to be correct and conform to the fashions that
the designers in NYC, California, and/or Paris inflict upon the world.
So here are some fashion guidelines...note that the following
combinations DO NOT go together and thus should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Mini-skirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. In-line skates and a walker
And the ultimate "bad taste" in fashion for the "older population"...
13. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
Pillsbury DoughBoy Dead
The Pillsbury Doughboy - dead at 71.
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman,
The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection
and complications from repeated pokes to the belly.
He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.
Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins,
Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, Shake 'n Bake, Quaker Oats, the Hostess Twinkies,
Captain Crunch and many others.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend,
Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who
"never knew how much he was kneaded."
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later
life was filled with many turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie,
wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough.
They have two children and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
You might be (trailer trash, a redneck, whatever) if:
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
14. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
15. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
16. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
17. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
18. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
19. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
20. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
21. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
THE NIGHT NOISE
One night at about 3am my wife was getting up from the toilet to
return to bed when she heard a little noise.
It was a suspiciously rodent like sound that seemed
to be right in the bathroom with her.
She, of course, froze and listened attentively for any further
sign of invaders. After a moment, satisfied that she was alone,
she took a step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again!
She froze, not breathing. Silence.
Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat from the bathroom.
This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg!
That was too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the bed,
clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side.
The culprit was right there in plain sight,
a trail of toilet paper neatly marked the path from bed to the bathroom
The Millionaire
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
$32,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not
build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other
birds? Is it...
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo;
or D)the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer.
And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50
Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her
Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that
she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she
knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative.
She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy.
The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one
that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a
blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such
certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is..... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a
millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness
with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your
choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't
build nests. They live in clocks."
FBI: BANK ROBBER
An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the bank had
been robbed three times by the same bandit.
"Did you notice anything special about the man?" asks the agent.
"Yes," replies the teller. "He was better dressed each time."
2 SNAKES
Two snakes were under a flat rock keeping out of the sun.
As they squirmed around one suddenly asked, "Are we poisonous snakes?"
The other replied, "Well, I don't know, why?"
First snake, in an anxious tone,
(See below)
"I bit my lip!"
PONDERINGS
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
If you mated a Bulldog and a Shitsu, would it be called a Bullshit?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
(there is one in my freezer)
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no-one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't ! pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-dough basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Gender of Inanimate Objects
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male,
because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to
light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider
this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van.
Be on the lookout for hardened criminals.
Gorilla on your roof
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,
then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla
off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained
to grab his testicles and not let go.
The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put
him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
"We are not made or unmade by the things that happen to us, but by our reaction to them."
BLIND MAN
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with their 8 children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives
they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are
able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of
the blind man and says to him: "Why don't you a put a piece of rubber
at the end of your stick; that ticking sound is driving me crazy !!"
The blind man replies: "If you would have put a rubber on your stick
we would be sitting in the bus right now, so shut up."
Old Farmer
An old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost.Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was
going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the
peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and
headed to town. Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he
took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.
A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she
said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"
Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered,
"I have these here really nice peaches for sale."
The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit.
So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts.
She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"
Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."
So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties.
She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"
The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes,
they're wonderful peaches."
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"
The old farmer whimpered, "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato
crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think
you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."
WEDDING
At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to give
the final blessing. The bride misunderstood my gesture and
surprised me with a high-five.
Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too.
I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests.
VET
A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary
clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed
over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be
difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the
water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had
finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent.
As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and
whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."
Christening
Johnny, having his second son christened, was much concerned about
getting the correct name on the birth certificate.
"Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?"
"Certainly," answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?" "Well you see,
it's like this," replied Johnny. "When I told you I wanted to name my
first boy Tom, you wrote on his birth certificate 'Thomas.'
This boy I want to name Jack."
==============================
MICKEY AND MINNIE MOUSE
Minnie Mouse and Mickey Mouse were feuding one day. They decided that
they should get some counselling so off they went. Each took their time
with the counsellor. At the end of the appointment the counsellor asked
them to come back a week later, giving him time to examine his notes.
A week later they came back and sat together. The counsellor looked at
them both and then addressed Mickey. "you know," said the
counsellor, "Mickey, you shouldn't tell Minney that she's crazy."
Mickey looked from Minney to the counsellor and back again before saying
" I've never called Minnie crazy I said she was fucking Goofy!"
READ WHAT OTHERS HAVE WROTE OR...
Screaming on the toilet
A guy is sitting in a bar drunk. He asks the bartender where the toilet
is. The bartender tells him that it's down the hall and to the right.
The man leaves the bar to use the toilet. A couple of minutes later, the
bar patrons hear a loud scream, and they wonder what is going on in the
toilets. A minute goes by and again everybody at the bar hears a loud
scream coming from the toilets.
This time the bartender goes into the toilet to investigate what the
drunk is screaming about. He opens the door and asks the drunk, "What's
all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."
The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says,
"No wonder, you're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"
Dog plants
The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog"
in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet.
She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."
Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie' flower!"
Something for the house
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as
the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a
noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs,
there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
"Do you realize what time it is?" she said. He answered, "Don't get
excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house." Immediately
her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to help him, she
said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
His answered, "A round of drinks!"
--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=-
Homework Paper Plane
Little Benny was looking depressed, so his fourth grade teacher, Miss
Feldman, asked, "What's the problem, Benny? I hope it's not homework
again..."
"Well, uh, yes it is, mam" replied Little Benny.
"I made my homework paper into a paper airplane."
"Benny, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," Miss Feldman said,
"but this once, I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."
"Oh, but it's worse than that..." replied Little Benny, looking even sadder.
"You see, the plane was hijacked!"
--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=-
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