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READ OTHERS WRITINGS OR
Some people come to sit and think.
Some people come to shit and stink.
But I come here to scratch my balls.
And read the writings on the Walls.
THE WALLS OF THE COSMIC OUTHOUSE!
Here I sit all broken hearted
Paid a quarter and only farted!
LAWS WOMEN LIVE BY
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
You shut the door.
3. If we put a man on the moon we should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too
little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some
woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember: a sense of humor does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
Ever notice how all of women's problems start
with men?
And when we have real trouble, it'd
HISterectomy
Computers according to Seuss
Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash;
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
'Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea.'
~ Robert A. Heinlein
Mrs. Bandlow says to her husband,.....
'I had the strangest dream last night. It was Christmas, and our tree was decorated with all kinds of penises. White ones, black ones, circumcised and uncircumcised, big and small. And on the top of the tree was the
*perfect* penis.'
Mr. Bandlow says, 'I bet that one was mine.'
She says, 'Sorry, honey, it wasn't.'
He says, 'You know, it's weird, but I had almost the same dream. A Christmas tree decorated with pussies...shaven and unshaven, thin and thick lips, scented and unscented... and the one on the top was the *perfect* pussy.'
She says, 'I suppose that one on the top was mine?'
He says, 'Nope. Yours was holding up the tree!'
There was an old married couple that had lived happily together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.
The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping such nasty farts. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to 'fart his guts out.'
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about 'farting his guts out' until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.
The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him, she had finally gotten even!
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was wrong.
He said, 'Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you'
'What do you mean?' asked his wife.
'Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally
happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers,... I think I got'em all back in!!!'
Tom got up, dressed then ate breakfast, Then headed for the door to go to work kissing his wife Alyson while patting her fanny saying 'Well see your Beautiful Buns, I love you'
After he left, Alyson went in her savings jar and got the $35.00 she had been saving for her husbands birthday present
She couldn't think of anything new, or exciting to get him that he would like in her price range.
Then she sees a tattoo parlor in the mall
She walks into the place and asks
'How much would it cost to have Beautiful buns tattooed across my butt cheeks?' you see my husband Tom always calls me beautiful buns then pats my fanny & today is
my husbands birthday and I what to surprise him with something
He said: 'It would cost $125.'
The lady only having $35.00 said:'wow that's a lot, How about you just have a 'B' on each cheek?, Ok?'
So she went home and waited for her husband to get off work.
she her his car pull up in the driveway, So she took robe off put a big Bow and Ribbon on her waist and waited by the door.
She as he was taking a step in the door yelled 'happy Birthday'! and bent over.
Then a smirk crawled across his faced
She asked 'What the matter dear don't you like it?'
I don't know, What i do want to know is who the hell is 'WHO THE HELL IS B.0.B?'
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called 'Poles', why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes'?
Why do we say something 'is out of whack'? What's a whack?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts,' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a
race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's'?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the
universe you will believe them. But if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older, then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I
wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do,
write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mail men could look for them while they delivered the mail?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. 'I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon,' he said to the bartender. 'We got her' replied the bartender. 'She's upstairs in the second room on the right.
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, 'I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon.' The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, 'You found her!'
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. 'How do you know I want that position first?' asked the miner. 'I don't replied the hooker, 'but I thought you might want to open those beers first.'
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put 'Happy Thanksgiving' under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with 'Merry Christmas' up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, 'If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?'
She says 'I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!'
John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they had never had sex.
'We'll have to wait until we are married,' she told him.
So he waits.
They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around. On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and says 'I have some bad news. I have my period, and I don't want our first time to be all bloody!'
John says, 'You're kidding!'
Mary says, 'We'll just have to wait a bit longer.'
Mary goes to sleep, and wakes up at 3:00 am to get a drink. On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling.
'There's no use John,' she said 'You might as well go to sleep.'
'I would, except my dick's so hard there's not enough skin left to close my eyes!'
By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
'You've got to have a room somewhere,' he pleaded.
'Or just a bed, I don't care where.'
'Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,' admitted the manager, 'and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.'
'No problem,' the tired Navy man assured him. 'I'll take it.'
The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. 'How'd you sleep?' asked the manager.
'Never better.'
The manager was impressed. 'No problem with the other guy snoring?'
'Nope, I shut him up in no time' said the Navy guy.
'How'd you manage that?' asked the manager.
'He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,' the sailor explained.
'I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.'
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.
He needs to go on a business trip for several
days, so he decides to set a trap for her.
He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the
bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it
calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there's any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.
He comes home several days later. The first
thing he does is reach under the bed and
retrieve the bowl.
The bowl is full of butter.
A guy applied to join a nudist club.
'Exactly what do you do here?' he asked.
'It's quite simple,' said the club secretary, 'We take off all our clothes and commune with nature.'
'Cool,' said the guy, '...count me in!!!'
So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.
As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, 'Beware of Gays.'
A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing 'Beware of Gays.'
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, 'Sorry,... You've had two warnings!'
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. 'Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days.' The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, 'What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?' 'The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!'
A woman goes to the doctors, and says, 'Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you.'
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.
She gets undressed, and the doctor goes around to see her when she is ready.
'Well, what is it?' he asks.
'It's a bit embarrassing,' she replies, 'These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs.'
The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, 'Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?'
The woman blushes and says, 'Well,... yes, actually I have.'
'That's the problem!' the doctor says,
'Tell him that his earrings aren't made of real gold!
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks 'Santa, will you stay with me?'
Santa says, 'Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!'
She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks 'Santa, now will you stay with me?'
Santa says, 'Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!'
She takes off everything and asks 'Santa, now will you stay with me?'
Santa replies 'Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!'
A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.
The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.
So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says 'Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!'
The guy there says 'OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin.'
'What's a penguin?'
'You'll see.'
So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his 'penguin.' Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting 'HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!'
Q: What has 99 legs & 49 teeth?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
Q. How can we tell that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?
A. Had it been invented elsewhere,
it would have been called a 'teethbrush.'
Q: What is the definition of a hillbilly virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers.
Q: What's the difference between trash and white trash?
A: Absolutely nothing. They both drive around in dump trucks, smell like shit, and get more and more rotten each day.
The clerk asked me, 'Cash, check or charge?' after ringing up my purchase.
As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse.
'Do you always carry your TV remote?' she asked.
'No,' I replied. 'But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!'
So please AIM
